A Night of Terror; A New Life with God. Narrative is in red Thoughts and actions are in black. Forgive the language I am reciting this incident blow by blow with extreme accuracy. It’s August 12, 2002 I've been attending AA meetings for seven days and had been ordered to an intensive out patient rehabilitation group in the local insane asylum for duel diagnosis (i.e. addiction and mental illness). I had been in this group for 3 days and actually in the fourth day "sober" without a drink. I can’t believe it is four months since I was expelled (March 29th 2002) by a court order from Cherry Hill, NJ and my home there and have to live in this house in South Philadelphia, PA with my brother (Mark) and mother. It is six months since I spent 10 days in the hospital with acute pancreatitis where, upon discharge, the doctor told me that if I ever drank again I would die. I knew he was lying because I’ve been drinking (2 liters of scotch daily) ever since and am not dead. Lost my home, lost my $127,000/year job, lost my woman, lost everything, my health and soul included. During my sixth psychotic blackout (March 28th 2002 while living in Cherry Hill, NJ) from drinking two full liters of scotch a day ( 1.5 years counting) as well as handfuls of Xanax and Paxil, I bit the front of a policeman's nose off and ended up strapped down tight in a rubber room in a hospital suffering from delirium tremens. This was my third bottom in 15 years!!! My first drink of the day for the past year and one half was to guzzle an entire pint of scotch straight down. I didn’t know it then but God had kept me out of jail even after assaulting (maiming) an officer of the law. August 12th 5:30 AM I’m awake oh the terror!, oh the demons! . . .all these voices . . . SHUT THE f#$k UP!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!! Oh, God I can't stop shaking, I'm dripping soaking wet with sweat, nausea -- vomiting, OH God , I‘m still throwing up blood, still p!^sing blood, still s#$%ting blood. I gotta get up, DAMN IT I just want to crawl up with a half gallon of scotch and get back into my comfortable drunken oblivion. But I gotta get up or Mark (my brother who dislikes me passionately) will kick me out of his house if I don't go to that f#$king out-patient group. Screw him!!! If mom hadn't forced him to take me in I would be on the street at 47 years old!!! He's not trying to help me he is just very happy to torture his big brother. Just get up . . . these demons oh God these demons please make them stop. SHUT UP! STOP TELLING ME TO KILL MYSELF!!! God I am so sick. Don't these people know how sick I am; why the hell are they putting me through this? Okay get on the bus. WOW all these black people. . . I've never seen so many. They know I'm sick they know I'm shaking and sweating . . .panic, oh panic, too many people! shut up! shut up! shut up! you stupid niggers why do you have to talk so loud and have no class. . .DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM??? I gotta get off this bus I'm losing my mind I NEED A DRINK! Finally!, my bus stop. Now I gotta go into this insane asylum and deal with these low lives in this out -patient group. God are they full of s#$t. . .selfish, self centered a$$holes. I'll teach them what living in real life is about. . . after all I was the Vice President of a prestigious Information Technology company and am not like them, I have class, my intelligence level is so much higher than theirs, they have never been in the pressured situations at work that I had been, they probably never worked a day in their pathetic lives. Finally, four freakin hours of this bulls#$t group are over. Now I have to go to two NOT ONE! but two of these idiotic AA meetings. These people don't know s#$t from shinola. I gotta go or Mark is going to kick me out of his house . . . he is such an a$$hole, he would never talk to me the way he does if he didn't have me under his thumb, jerk off - son-of-a-bitch. Finally home. It's 2:00 PM, I can go back to sleep. Hi Mom. . . .I'm feeling very sick and shaky I'm going to go to bed and sleep. Can't f#$king sleep! SHUT UP! LEAVE ME ALONE! if you are there God stop these demons in my head, stop these hallucinations, stop this shaking, stop this nausea. . . you ain't there are you, you never were. I can't sleep . . . maybe you should read the book Alcoholics Anonymous . . . it's boring enough to maybe put yourself to sleep. Oh, ough, OOOOOH s#$% what time is it, 4:00 PM I need a drink! f#$% AA!, f#$% God!, f#$% Mark!, f#$% everything! I'm sick and I know a drink will make me feel better. . .where is that $20 I hid. There it is. I'll get two cheap pints of scotch and guzzle the first one then quick hurry home and hide in my room before is hits then when I start shaking again, I'll sneak out to the car and guzzle the second pint. Ok . . . here we go, Mark's not home from work yet great. . .Hey mom! I'm going to an AA meeting. That went well now hurry to the liquor store. Look around is anybody looking? hurry up in. Two pints of Inver House scotch please. Oh this terror in my head SHUT THE f#$k UP!!! Don't let them see you shake when you get the bottles and pay. Wow $13.60 for two pints that leaves me some money to buy beer later when the scotch wears off. Okay get out of here SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! . . . who are these people talking to me in my head??? Peak out the store door see if anyone you know is out there . . . all clear get in the car quickly. Where can I drink these?, I know, where I drank the last two, behind the trash dumpsters at CVS. Get there quickly! ok open the bottle and guzzle . . . wait a minute Mark wasn’t home from work when I left he may see me here and suspect something . . . hurry get the hell out of here. Where are we going I don’t know my way around South Philly . . .ouh oh cops, they know what you’re are up to. Go back to CVS. . . s#$t there’s Mark, no its not! hurry up drink it!. . . God my mind is racing SHUT UP!, SHUT UP!, SHUT UP!, I’m going to vomit and I can’t stop shaking, please God help me to stop sweating my clothes are soaked with sweat. . . Gotta find a better place to drink this, drink while your driving . . .cops all over the place, can’t . . go up to 17th Strret and Oregon Ave maybe you can find a place across Oregon Ave, s#$t the f#$king traffic light is red. Calm down SHUT UP!, SHUT UP!, SHUT UP! God please stop these voices. BANG, BANG, BANG on the window OH MY GOD LOOK AT THIS BUM HE LOOKS LIKE ME 10 YEARS FROM NOW. . . OW MY FREAKING HEAD (I was so startled I hit my head on the car ceiling). Run the red light and get the hell out of here and go back to CVS. Can’t drink this scotch Mark might be in the parking lot, oh s#$t there is Lynn (a cousin who pulled some strings to get me into the out-patient group, she‘s 20 years sober) she gonna know what I am up to. Go to the other side of the city maybe there is a place to drink this over there. Hurry up down Oregon Ave to Broad Street. Another f#$king red light God I am so sick please stop the shaking and sweating, and the panic and the voices. BANG, BANG, BANG on the window OH MY GOD IT’S THAT BUM AGAIN oooh s#$t his beard is white now . . . I must have the DT's. How did that bum get 10 blocks down faster than I can drive? I can't drink this I gotta throw it away, I can't throw it away I need it. Wait! give the scotch to the bum, no wait why should I put my misery on that poor guy he looks like he's been to hell and back. . .what the hell is wrong with me what do I care about a bum!. . . no, no, no it's wrong I can't put my misery on him!!! Maybe I can find someone on the street that I have seen in AA meetings. Drive down Broad Street. Wow there's that guy Frank, I think he has two years sober, ask him to throw it away. No I need to drink it . . . s#$t I still can't drink it and I can't throw it away!!! Ask Frank to help you, no wait, he may not be secure in his sobriety and it may tempt him . . . what the hell is wrong with me when did I ever care about a bum or a stranger. Oh my God help me!!! It's 5:15 PM I remember someone telling me about the South Philly AA Clubhouse it is usually open an hour before the 7:30 meeting. It's only 5:15 and I have no idea where this place is, SHUT UP!, SHUT UP!, SHUT UP!, please dear God stop my head from racing . . . Lord I am so sick please help me. They told me the clubhouse was on Moyamensing Ave and Tasker Streets . . . green building with a white door across the street from a park. I don't know where this place is for God's sake and what the hell is a Moyamensing Ave. Just drive and find it maybe somebody there can get rid of this scotch. I drove and drove not knowing where I was going but there seemed to be a driving force inside me telling where to go. Oh my God!, my God! . . . There it is!!! A green building, white door, across from a park. Pull over on the sidewalk . . . they are probably not there it's only 5:30. . .s#$t oh God please let someone be there. Hurry up open the door, oh s#$t! it's open!. Wow look at this guy sitting at the table he looks one gray hair short of a bum, how’s he gonna can't help me!!! What, What did you say??? My name is Joe can you help me I've got two pints of scotch in my car and I can't drink them and I can't throw them away!!! He introduced himself to me, Harry K. is his name, and he has almost three years sober. I told him the whole story of what had just transpired (much more had occurred that is not reported here), and how my usual first drink of the day is to down an entire pint and what has been going on the last few years. He talked to me for an hour then we went outside to pour the scotch down the sewer. My car was still running! a whole hour had gone by! I was so messed up that I left the car running and no one stole it. Harry took the two pints and poured them down the sewer. I turned away when he started pouring I don’t know why but I said to myself that I should watch him do it. We went back in and Harry started pouring coffee down me and stuffing me with donuts. He said it would make me feel better. He said that that night at 7:30 PM there was an anniversary meeting. . . that a fella named “Billy the roofer” was celebrating One Year sober and that he drank just like me guzzling whole pints of hard liquor in one shot. He said that it was a two speaker meeting and that the two guys that were speaking were Billy's sponsor and grand sponsor and that they both had great AA messages. I stayed . . . My God there are seventy people in this little room I feel so closed in and those damned voices won't stop and I'm shaking so much the sweat is flicking off of me and I am full of panic. These people must think I‘m crazy!. . .wow! everyone is so friendly. . . I can't believe that these people are drunks they look so clean and happy. Wow I feel so uplifted and good. This guy speaking named Freddie seems like a real tough guy but he is talking about God and what God has done for him. . . oh man they are holy rollers, just what I need now, I gotta get out of here. Maybe this old crusty longshoreman Pauly has a different message one that is not holy roller. Wow what a great speaker this longshoreman is. He said, “if you wake up in the morning next to your wife and don't say anything to her and then she makes you breakfast and you still say nothing to her then you come home from work and she has lunch waiting for you and still say nothing to her then, come home from work and she has dinner waiting for you and say nothing, go to bed and say nothing to her, WHAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP WOULD THAT BE???? TERRIBLE!,” well then he said, "it is the same way with God . . . say good morning to Him, pray, speak to Him during the day build a relationship with Him BECAUSE HE IS THE ONE WHO WILL GET YOU SOBER AND KEEP YOU SOBER!!!” wow he seems so peaceful and happy. I gotta talk to him after the meeting. I spoke with Pauly, he had 29 years sober. I told him everything that happened that night. He told me that God was directing my thoughts during the whole ordeal, he said that all those thoughts about my brother finding me out , the cops, every thought were thoughts that God was planting in my head. He said that the bum I saw twice was an angel that God put in my path to keep me from drinking those two pints. He said God was directing my driving to get me to this meeting to hear this message. The meeting ended at 8:30 PM and I spoke to Pauly for a whole hour. I drove home at 9:30 PM went directly to my room and sat on the bed. Okay well I feel great, I'm still sick and shaking and my mind is still racing but I really feel good. Close your eyes relax . . ."Dear God was that you tonight was that you dear Lord helping me through that ordeal all those hours?. . . please Lord speak to me. All of a sudden there was a bright light in my room my eyes were closed but I could see this light and in my head and in my heart I felt the soothing warm arms of God Almighty holding me and saying yes, yes it is Me, I AM THAT I AM!!! It was always Me with you!!! From that day forward I did not have the obsession to drink . . .I didn't even asked God to remove the obsession He just did. I woke up the next morning still shaking, still with blood in my vomit, urine, and bowel movements. Still sweating, still seeing things, still hearing voices, head racing, full of panic, BUT I DIDN’T HAVE THE OBSESSION TO DRINK! Thus, started my quest to getting sober and learning the Truth about God Almighty and Our Lord Jesus Christ. I went to 27 AA meetings a week in addition to 20 hours of outpatient group for 19 months. The people in AA and people in general thought I was crazy going to that many meeting on top of 20 hours of out-patient therapy a week. When I wasn't at a meeting or in the outpatient group I was in my room praying, reading the New Testament, the book “Sermon on the Mount” by Emmett Fox and the book Alcoholics Anonymous. I changed; I changed from an angry, selfish, self-centered, self-serving vulgar, egomaniac who knew everything . . . to what I feel is an humble, open-minded serene Christian trying to do the next right thing. The funny thing is that Freddie and Pauly became my AA sponsor and grand-sponsor. September 2002 on month without a drink or drug. I went to see a doctor because I was so sick and my weight was 326 pounds . He told me that I should be in the hospital because I am dangerously close to death. My liver was 2 1/2 times the size of normal, my kidneys were in shut down, I had pancreatitis, I had severe diabetes, my blood pressure was dangerously high, and I had morbidly high cholesterol, and triglycerides. I didn’t listen to him and stayed away from any medical treatment. I just continued to pray, read the New Testament, the book Alcoholics Anonymous, spiritual literature lots of AA meetings and the out-patient rehab groups. November 2002, went back to the doctor. He ran a complete battery of tests. My liver, kidneys, and pancreas were completely normal. My blood pressure, normal, no diabetes, cholesterol and triglycerides, normal. My blood tests, all normal. My heart was the health of a 25 year old. The doctor told me that I was near death when he saw me two months earlier. He said (mind you this is doctor talking) that I had better to home and get on my knees and thank God because what he just experienced was without a doubt a miracle. Needless to say, I DID! Today is March 26th 2006. I am 50 years old and I haven't had a drink or a drug nor the desire to take a drink or a drug for 3 years 7 months 10 days. I weigh a muscular 230 pounds and go to gym to workout 5 days a week. I spend hours praying and reading the KJV, I listen to sermons from a pastor that lives in Massachusetts, all the time seeking a deeper and closer relationship with the Lord. I as Him every morning to keep me sober that day. I started drinking at the age of 9 years old and started drugging at the age of 12. I spent 39 years drunk and high ripping through my life, my family’s lives and others lives like a roaring tornado. I now am engaged to be married to an incredible Christ loving woman who is 9 years sober. We are in the process of purchasing a new home. I know without a doubt that God keeps me sober one day at a time and that Jesus Christ has saved my life. He has permitted me a second chance at life and this time with His help, I am going to do it right!. All I have to do is keep the line of communication open with the Lord and believe in His sacrifice and not allow the channel to be cut off by the old me (the old Adam). The Lord brought me to AA and AA brought me to the Lord and Brother Rowley. He has revealed to me the King James Version of the Bible as His true Word. He has undeservedly blessed me. He has provided me with enough money to purchase a new home and start a new family. I intend to do so and to make me and mine His humble servants till He takes me Home. This I Testify to All Who Will Listen,
With Love In Christ,
Joseph Armideo |
