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A
Night of Terror; A New Life with God.
Narrative
is in red
Thoughts
and actions are in black.
Forgive
the language I am reciting this incident blow by blow with extreme
accuracy.
It’s August 12, 2002 I've been attending AA meetings for seven days and
had been ordered to an intensive out patient rehabilitation group
in the local insane asylum for duel diagnosis (i.e. addiction and
mental illness). I had been in this group for 3 days and actually
in the fourth day "sober" without a drink. I can’t believe
it is four months since I was expelled (March 29th 2002) by a court
order from Cherry Hill, NJ and my home there and have to live in
this house in South Philadelphia, PA with my brother (Mark) and
mother. It is six months since I spent 10 days in the hospital
with acute pancreatitis where, upon discharge, the doctor told me
that if I ever drank again I would die. I knew he was lying
because I’ve been drinking (2 liters of scotch daily) ever since
and am not dead. Lost my home, lost my $127,000/year job,
lost my woman, lost everything, my health and soul included.
During my sixth psychotic blackout (March 28th 2002 while living
in Cherry Hill, NJ) from drinking two full liters of scotch a day
( 1.5 years counting) as well as handfuls of Xanax and Paxil, I
bit the front of a policeman's nose off and ended up strapped down
tight in a rubber room in a hospital suffering from delirium tremens.
This was my third bottom in 15 years!!! My first drink
of the day for the past year and one half was to guzzle an
entire pint of scotch straight down.
I didn’t know it then but God had kept me out of jail even after
assaulting (maiming) an officer of the law.
August 12th 5:30 AM I’m awake
oh the terror!, oh the demons!
. . .all these voices . . . SHUT THE f#$k UP!!! LEAVE
ME ALONE!!! Oh, God I can't stop shaking, I'm dripping soaking
wet with sweat, nausea -- vomiting, OH God , I‘m still throwing
up blood, still p!^sing blood, still s#$%ting blood. I gotta
get up, DAMN IT I just want to crawl up with a half gallon of scotch
and get back into my comfortable drunken oblivion. But I gotta
get up or Mark (my brother who dislikes me passionately) will kick
me out of his house if I don't go to that f#$king out-patient group.
Screw him!!! If mom hadn't forced him to take me in I would
be on the street at 47 years old!!! He's not trying to help
me he is just very happy to torture his big brother.
Just get up . . . these demons oh
God these demons please make them stop. SHUT UP! STOP TELLING
ME TO KILL MYSELF!!! God I am so sick. Don't these people
know how sick I am; why the hell are they putting me through this?
Okay get on the bus. WOW all
these black people. . . I've never seen so many. They know
I'm sick they know I'm shaking and sweating . . .panic, oh panic,
too many people! shut up! shut up! shut up! you stupid niggers why
do you have to talk so loud and have no class. . .DON'T YOU
KNOW WHO I AM???
I gotta get off this bus I'm losing
my mind I NEED A DRINK! Finally!, my bus stop. Now I
gotta go into this insane asylum and deal with these low lives in
this out -patient group. God are they full of s#$t. . .selfish,
self centered a$$holes. I'll teach them what living in real
life is about. . . after all I was the Vice President of a prestigious
Information Technology company and am not like them, I have class,
my intelligence level is so much higher than theirs, they have never
been in the pressured situations at work that I had been, they probably
never worked a day in their pathetic lives.
Finally, four freakin hours of this
bulls#$t group are over. Now I have to go to two NOT ONE!
but two of these idiotic AA meetings. These people don't know
s#$t from shinola. I gotta go or Mark is going to kick me
out of his house . . . he is such an a$$hole, he would never talk
to me the way he does if he didn't have me under his thumb,
jerk off - son-of-a-bitch.
Finally home. It's 2:00 PM,
I can go back to sleep. Hi Mom. . . .I'm feeling very sick
and shaky I'm going to go to bed and sleep. Can't f#$king
sleep! SHUT UP! LEAVE ME ALONE! if you are there God stop these
demons in my head, stop these hallucinations, stop this shaking,
stop this nausea. . . you ain't there are you, you never were.
I can't sleep . . . maybe you should read the book Alcoholics Anonymous
. . . it's boring enough to maybe put yourself to sleep.
Oh, ough, OOOOOH s#$% what time
is it, 4:00 PM I need a drink! f#$% AA!, f#$% God!, f#$% Mark!,
f#$% everything! I'm sick and I know a drink will make me feel better.
. .where is that $20 I hid. There it is. I'll get two
cheap pints of scotch and guzzle the first one then quick hurry
home and hide in my room before is hits then when I start shaking
again, I'll sneak out to the car and guzzle the second pint.
Ok . . . here we go, Mark's not
home from work yet great. . .Hey mom! I'm going to an AA meeting.
That went well now hurry to the liquor store. Look around
is anybody looking? hurry up in. Two pints of Inver House
scotch please. Oh this terror in my head SHUT THE f#$k
UP!!! Don't let them see you shake when you get the bottles
and pay. Wow $13.60 for two pints that leaves me some money
to buy beer later when the scotch wears off. Okay get out
of here SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! . . . who are these people talking
to me in my head??? Peak out the store door see if anyone
you know is out there . . . all clear get in the car quickly.
Where can I drink these?, I know, where I drank the last
two, behind the trash dumpsters at CVS. Get there quickly!
ok open the bottle and guzzle . . . wait a minute Mark wasn’t home
from work when I left he may see me here and suspect something .
. . hurry get the hell out of here. Where are we going
I don’t know my way around South Philly . . .ouh oh cops, they know
what you’re are up to. Go back to CVS. . . s#$t there’s Mark,
no its not! hurry up drink it!. . . God my mind is racing SHUT UP!,
SHUT UP!, SHUT UP!, I’m going to vomit and I can’t stop shaking,
please God help me to stop sweating my clothes are soaked with sweat.
. . Gotta find a better place to drink this, drink while your
driving . . .cops all over the place, can’t . . go up to 17th
Strret and Oregon Ave maybe you can find a place across Oregon Ave,
s#$t the f#$king traffic light is red. Calm down SHUT UP!,
SHUT UP!, SHUT UP! God please stop these voices.
BANG, BANG, BANG on the window OH
MY GOD LOOK AT THIS BUM HE LOOKS LIKE ME 10 YEARS FROM NOW. . .
OW MY FREAKING HEAD
(I was so startled I hit my head on the
car ceiling). Run the red light and get the hell out
of here and go back to CVS. Can’t drink this scotch Mark might
be in the parking lot, oh s#$t there is Lynn
(a cousin who pulled some strings to get
me into the out-patient group, she‘s 20 years sober) she
gonna know what I am up to. Go to the other side of the city
maybe there is a place to drink this over there. Hurry up
down Oregon Ave to Broad Street. Another f#$king red light
God I am so sick please stop the shaking and sweating, and the panic
and the voices.
BANG, BANG, BANG on the window OH MY GOD IT’S THAT BUM AGAIN oooh
s#$t his beard is white now . . .
I must have the DT's. How did that bum get 10 blocks down
faster than I can drive? I can't drink this I gotta throw it away,
I can't throw it away I need it. Wait! give the scotch to
the bum, no wait why should I put my misery on that poor guy he
looks like he's been to hell and back. . .what the hell is wrong
with me what do I care about a bum!. . . no, no, no it's wrong
I can't put my misery on him!!! Maybe I can find someone on
the street that I have seen in AA meetings. Drive down Broad
Street. Wow there's that guy Frank, I think he has two years
sober, ask him to throw it away. No I need to drink it . .
. s#$t I still can't drink it and I can't throw it away!!!
Ask Frank to help you, no wait, he may not be secure in his sobriety
and it may tempt him . . . what the hell is wrong with me when
did I ever care about a bum or a stranger. Oh my God help
me!!! It's 5:15 PM I remember someone telling me about the
South Philly AA Clubhouse it is usually open an hour before the
7:30 meeting. It's only 5:15 and I have no idea where this
place is, SHUT UP!, SHUT UP!, SHUT UP!, please dear God stop my
head from racing . . . Lord I am so sick please help me. They
told me the clubhouse was on Moyamensing Ave and Tasker Streets
. . . green building with a white door across the street from a
park. I don't know where this place is for God's sake
and what the hell is a Moyamensing Ave. Just drive and find
it maybe somebody there can get rid of this scotch.
I drove and drove not knowing where I was going but there seemed to be
a driving force inside me telling where to go.
Oh my God!, my God! . . . There it is!!! A green building, white door,
across from a park. Pull over on the sidewalk . . . they are
probably not there it's only 5:30. . .s#$t oh God please let someone
be there. Hurry up open the door, oh s#$t! it's open!.
Wow look at this guy sitting at the table he looks one gray hair
short of a bum, how’s he gonna can't help me!!! What, What
did you say??? My name is Joe can you help me I've got two
pints of scotch in my car and I can't drink them and I can't throw
them away!!!
He introduced himself to me, Harry K. is his name, and he has almost
three years sober. I told him the whole story of what had
just transpired (much more had occurred that is not reported
here), and how my usual first drink of the day is to down an
entire pint and what has been going on the last few years.
He talked to me for an hour then we went outside to pour the scotch
down the sewer. My car was still running! a whole hour had
gone by! I was so messed up that I left the car running and
no one stole it. Harry took the two pints and poured them
down the sewer. I turned away when he started pouring I don’t
know why but I said to myself that I should watch him do it.
We went back in and Harry started pouring coffee down me and stuffing
me with donuts. He said it would make me feel better.
He said that that night at 7:30 PM there was an anniversary meeting.
. . that a fella named “Billy the roofer” was celebrating One Year
sober and that he drank just like me guzzling whole pints of hard
liquor in one shot. He said that it was a two speaker meeting
and that the two guys that were speaking were Billy's sponsor and
grand sponsor and that they both had great AA messages. I
stayed . . .
My God there are seventy people in this little room I feel so closed
in and those damned voices won't stop and I'm shaking so much the
sweat is flicking off of me and I am full of panic. These
people must think I‘m crazy!. . .wow! everyone is so friendly. .
. I can't believe that these people are drunks they look so clean
and happy. Wow I feel so uplifted and good. This guy
speaking named Freddie seems like a real tough guy but he is talking
about God and what God has done for him. . . oh man they are
holy rollers, just what I need now, I gotta get out of
here. Maybe this old crusty longshoreman Pauly has a different
message one that is not holy roller. Wow what a great speaker
this longshoreman is.
He said, “if
you wake up in the morning next to your wife and don't say anything
to her and then she makes you breakfast and you still say nothing
to her then you come home from work and she has lunch waiting for
you and still say nothing to her then, come home from work and she
has dinner waiting for you and say nothing, go to bed and say nothing
to her, WHAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP WOULD THAT BE???? TERRIBLE!,”
well then he said, "it is the same way with God . . . say good morning
to Him, pray, speak to Him during the day build a relationship with
Him BECAUSE HE IS THE ONE WHO WILL GET YOU SOBER AND KEEP YOU SOBER!!!”
wow he seems so peaceful and happy. I gotta talk to him
after the meeting.
I spoke with Pauly, he had 29 years sober. I told him everything
that happened that night. He told me that God was directing
my thoughts during the whole ordeal, he said that all those thoughts
about my brother finding me out , the cops, every thought were thoughts
that God was planting in my head. He said that the bum I saw
twice was an angel that God put in my path to keep me from drinking
those two pints. He said God was directing my driving to get
me to this meeting to hear this message.
The meeting ended at 8:30 PM and I spoke to Pauly for a whole hour.
I drove home at 9:30 PM went directly to my room and sat on the
bed.
Okay well I feel great, I'm still sick and shaking and my mind is still
racing but I really feel good. Close your eyes relax . . ."Dear
God was that you tonight was that you dear Lord helping me through
that ordeal all those hours?. . . please Lord speak to me.
All of a sudden there was a bright light in my room my eyes were closed
but I could see this light and in my head and in my heart I felt
the soothing warm arms of God Almighty holding me and saying yes,
yes it is Me, I AM THAT I AM!!! It was always Me with you!!!
From that day forward I did not have the obsession to drink . .
.I didn't even asked God to remove the obsession He just did.
I woke up the next morning still shaking, still with blood in my vomit,
urine, and bowel movements. Still sweating, still seeing things,
still hearing voices, head racing, full of panic, BUT I DIDN’T HAVE
THE OBSESSION TO DRINK!
Thus, started my quest to getting sober and learning the Truth about
God Almighty and Our Lord Jesus Christ. I went to 27 AA meetings
a week in addition to 20 hours of outpatient group for 19 months.
The people in AA and people in general thought I was crazy going
to that many meeting on top of 20 hours of out-patient therapy a
week. When I wasn't at a meeting or in the outpatient group
I was in my room praying, reading the New Testament, the book “Sermon
on the Mount” by Emmett Fox and the book Alcoholics Anonymous.
I changed; I changed from an angry, selfish, self-centered, self-serving
vulgar, egomaniac who knew everything . . . to what I feel is an
humble, open-minded serene Christian trying to do the next right
thing. The funny thing is that Freddie and Pauly became my
AA sponsor and grand-sponsor.
September 2002 on month without a drink or drug. I went to see
a doctor because I was so sick and my weight was 326 pounds .
He told me that I should be in the hospital because I am dangerously
close to death. My liver was 2 1/2 times the size of normal,
my kidneys were in shut down, I had pancreatitis, I had severe diabetes,
my blood pressure was dangerously high, and I had morbidly high
cholesterol, and triglycerides. I didn’t listen to him
and stayed away from any medical treatment. I just continued
to pray, read the New Testament, the book Alcoholics Anonymous,
spiritual literature lots of AA meetings and the out-patient rehab
groups.
November 2002, went back to the doctor. He ran a complete battery
of tests. My liver, kidneys, and pancreas were completely
normal. My blood pressure, normal, no diabetes, cholesterol
and triglycerides, normal. My blood tests, all normal.
My heart was the health of a 25 year old. The doctor
told me that I was near death when he saw me two months earlier.
He said (mind you this is doctor talking) that I had better
to home and get on my knees and thank God because what he just experienced
was without a doubt a miracle. Needless to say, I DID!
Today is March 26th 2006. I am 50 years old and I haven't had a
drink or a drug nor the desire to take a drink or a drug for 3 years
7 months 10 days. I weigh a muscular 230 pounds and go to
gym to workout 5 days a week. I spend hours praying and reading
the KJV, I listen to sermons from a pastor that lives in Massachusetts,
all the time seeking a deeper and closer relationship with the Lord.
I as Him every morning to keep me sober that day.
I started drinking at the age of 9 years old and started drugging
at the age of 12. I spent 39 years drunk and high ripping
through my life, my family’s lives and others lives like a roaring
tornado. I now am engaged to be married to an incredible Christ
loving woman who is 9 years sober. We are in the process of
purchasing a new home. I know without a doubt that God keeps
me sober one day at a time and that Jesus Christ has saved my life.
He has permitted me a second chance at life and this time with His
help, I am going to do it right!. All I have to do is keep
the line of communication open with the Lord and believe in His
sacrifice and not allow the channel to be cut off by the old me
(the old Adam).
The Lord brought me to AA and AA brought me to the Lord and Brother Rowley.
He has revealed to me the King James Version of the Bible as His
true Word. He has undeservedly blessed me. He
has provided me with enough money to purchase a new home and start
a new family. I intend to do so and to make me and mine His
humble servants till He takes me Home.
This I Testify to All
Who Will Listen,
With Love
In Christ,
Joseph Armideo
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